Open House: Blended Families
In 2017 I officially became a stepmother to two boys at the age of 4 and 6. My love for my husband made it extremely easy at the time to go all in. This consisted of but was not limited to creating a space of consistency, structure, cleanliness, and ultimately a space they felt was HOME. I had visions of what life would be like raising kids that I did not birth because I was so familiar with this family dynamic of a blended family. I thought I would do great, be great, and love even harder. I had an amazing example of what a stepparent looks and feels like to a child. Shout out to my guy Timothy Propst for being an amazing stepdad. We love you.
If you did not know, a blended family is a family where at least one parent has children that are not biologically related to their spouse. Either parent or both may have children from previous relationships or marriages.
May I first begin by saying BLENDING is complicated. Let’s dig into the word “blend” and what that entails. The act of mixing one thing with another so that they combine. In other words:
•unify
•unite
•put together
•join
To unify or unite requires work.
To put together or join a thing requires work.
Let’s be more specific. Imagine having layers or multiple things to blend. For all my married folks you already know it’s work but add children or children you didn’t birth—that’s WORK WORK! If I’m honest I was blinded by the number of challenges, work, and growing pains we would experience as a family. Might I add, you have been favored for those of you who have little experience and little to no discomfort and confusion blending.
I am 5 plus years of experience as a blended family and my husband thought he was out the door in year 1 and I was in year 1 fighting battles out of my control. EXHAUSTED. I had not learned then what I know now—to relinquish control. One of our biggest challenges if I’m honest? Is blending. As a step-parent who supports raising kids full time, not only did I step up, I stepped in full time——and we needed God's help to make things work.
But I call to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning, and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.
Psalm 55:16-17
I don’t know what it is about step-parents but step-parents have an eye for what’s broken. They can see what others might be immune to. They can see what needs assistance and where support is needed. From day 1 I asked God to be with me to walk alongside me. His faithfulness and love for me made me begin looking at things a little differently. I wondered God, why am I struggling so much in this area? Why does this feel so awkward? Where’s the disconnect? Why is there a disconnect? I feel alone. No one understands…and the thoughts continue...
Transitioning to an Open House
This is a transitional time for a lot of families. Blended families are helping and or preparing their kids to transition back to some type of normalcy for a successful school year. This might look like kids transitioning from one house to another and both parents and kid(s) adjusting and even adapting to a new environment. For me and my house, we’re transitioning and as a stepmother, I have my challenges with change and control. As I prepare for my boys to return from their summer break, I want and even desire to design an Open House.
…like many families summer, months have been spent elsewhere. This will require my family to learn new things about each other. What’s new, who are you NOW, and what are the expectations? So here it is. This is what I have. How do you prepare an Open House for a blended family? What must you consider? What should you know?
The first thing is: KNOW THAT
“You’re not them.”
As I stated earlier we have our boys full time and this required me to step up and step in unfamiliar but natural-born gifts/ spaces for them. In doing so, I did too much too early. I was a full force all in and at a young age adjusting and adapting to that can be a lot for kids. Especially if you’re dealing with me because I like things the way I like things and my personality can be very dominant and tunnel vision. Although these were pure intentions it was NOT perceived and or received well coming from the STEP Mom. Cause guess what? I am not them. I cannot be who I am not. Mom. Period. I can act, and fill in gaps but I am not Mom. Have you ever accepted you are not them? Not that you desire to but step out of yourself to say “I am not them and I can’t be”. This type of work will save a lot of unnecessary internal work of:
Self-doubt
Confidence
Inadequacy
Comparison
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
James 1:5-6
Second thing: KNOW THAT
“This was NEVER meant to be easy”
No punt intended to anyone that had children out of wedlock but this is what I believe God spoke to me.
…it’s not going to be easy because blended families were never God's original design of a family. How silly of me to believe blending would be easy when blending happened prematurely? Think about it. Let’s look at this thing. So yeah…this life and family dynamic before marriage have a major impact. Know this will not be easy but UNDERSTAND you are a part of the Grace Story. God graced us with another chance to blend under a different family dynamic. Have you ever thought about God using you to display his grace? Have you ever thought about the difficulty of something due to our decisions?
Third thing: KNOW THAT
“You will not be able to do it on your own”
If I am 100% transparent this is one of the biggest areas where I knew I could not do it with just my strength. I could not step-parent alone. I needed the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Although my desire to create this safe place and ideal blended family I ran into some tough and uncomfortable challenges and if I’m honest have shaped my engagement, input, and overall role as a stepmother. And daily I ask God to walk alongside me... This is a special assignment and I encourage you to invite God to ensure it is finished.
The fourth thing:
“You’ve stepped up but you need to step back”
How God humbling is this? This is different from point 1 “you’re not them. As a stepmother on the outside at one point, I shook the boat a bit with my own rules and expectations of family norms that they were NOT accustomed to. Although this what a great initiative this should not have been my first interaction to build a rapport with them. This should not have been my only way to build community in our home. Stepping up caused my boys to clock out. I mean let’s be real…I needed to chill and pip down. I didn’t know or see boundaries as I do now. I didn’t see limitations as I do now.
So as you transition and pray for your family’s Open House remember these 4 points:
You’re not them.
This was never meant to be easy.
You will not be able to do it on your own.
Step back.
This change of mindset will create an amazing Open House. Now I can write for days on blended families this is where God is stretching me. This initial blog is to bring awareness to blended families from a step parents’ point of view. There’s so much to unpack so there will be a part 2 for sure. So I leave you with this, “the faith we claimed and felt before we became stepparents is tested. Sometimes it’s broken. The past depresses us, the present exhaust us, and the future terrifies us. We’re tempted to give up, to let the pain win, to abandon our hopes for happiness” but then God says: For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you. Isaiah 41:13
Open House you have help. You will do great things, be great, and love even harder.